Parents interested in learning more about parenting coordinators may wish to review a recent article by Rachel Emma Silverman of The Wall Street Journal entitled A Referee for Mom and Dad.
The article discusses the scope of a parenting coordinator's responsibilities, as well as how their participation in family cases may be a benefit or a burden.
To learn more visit: online.wsj.com/article/SB119016372021831914.html
If you’re a divorced or divorcing parent you know that the Standard Possession Order addresses the “major” holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and both Mother’s and Father’s Day. However, the Standard Possession Order is blueprint from which parents and their attorneys may build a custom plan for the family. Remember, long after the ink is dried on the divorce orders, you, your child, and ex spouse have to live with the order – so take the time to ask for the things important to you.
If you have young children and you enjoy watching them dress up for Halloween and participate in carnivals or school activities, ask your attorney to include this in your parenting plan. Parents can either share responsibilities for Halloween, or trade-off Halloween just as divorced parents do with Thanksgiving (i.e., primary conservator to has child for Halloween in even numbered years, while possessory conservator has child in odd numbered years).
Over the years, many parents have asked me to add special provisions to the Standard Possession Order, such as Halloween, Easter, and special holidays for other religious groups.
This is a worthwhile post recently seen on the Georgia Family Law Blog.
Ruben Francia has an article posted on Your Child - Your Divorce which looks at the best appropriate divorce parenting practices for school-age children. It is well-worth a full read.
Here is his list of some divorce parenting practices that are best for your child:
· Explain what is happening over and over again. Children this age are confused easily. In simple terms, explain where your child will live, with whom, where the departing parent will live, and who will provide care when both parents are unavailable.
· Encourage your child to talk about how he/she feels. Be sensitive to children’s fears. Let your child know that he or she can openly talk to you about the ups and downs of your separation or divorce.
· Read books together about children and divorce. Use books to help your child talk about feelings.
· Answer all questions about the changes, and keep lines of communication open. Make sure your child feels like he or she can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.
· Plan special time together. Set aside special time to spend with your child but be careful not to make promises you may not be able to keep.
· Repeatedly tell children that they are not responsible for the divorce. Children need to be reassured that the breakup wasn’t their fault.
· Reassure children of how their needs will be met and of who will take care of them.
· Reassure children that everything will be ok, just different. Children are invariably frightened and confused by divorce. It’s a threat to their security. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect
· Talk to your child’s day-care provider about the divorce. She will better understand your child’s possible regressive behaviors and will likely offer extra support.
· Talk to your child’s teachers or school counselors about the divorce. They may then better understand possible learning or behavioral problems and will likely offer extra support.
· Keep daily routines intact. Children feel more secure when there is a standard routine. Stick with bedtimes, no matter at which home the children are. Have some consistent chores. Have some time committed to the child, which is treated as sacred.
· Respect, but monitor, your child’s privacy.
· Discourage reconciliation fantasies. Avoid dinners, outings, or holiday celebrations with your ex-spouse; they only fuel your child’s fantasies. Instead, emphasize the finality of divorce
· Be sensitive to children signs of depression and fear. Seek professional help if depression is prolonged or intense.
· Help non-custodial parent stay involve. Let non-custodial parent maintain a regular presence such as a phone call several times each week, messages sent on video or audiotapes.
· Plan a schedule of time for children to spend with their other parent. Be supportive of children’s ongoing relationship with the other parent. Remember that children generally fare best when they have the emotional support and ongoing involvement of both parents.
In some divorce cases, even after the divorce decree is signed, high levels of conflict and animosity remain between the parents. These are the parties who cannot seem to stay off the court’s docket and continue to seek official intervention for all kinds of matters even after the case is closed. Unfortunately, legal pleadings, motions and hearings will do nothing to solve the underlying problems.
Where such circumstances exist, the court on its own motion, or on the motion of one the parties may, appoint a parenting coordinator. The parenting coordinator is an individual who serves as a non-judicial referee between the parties and acts as a third party neutral. This concept is similar to mediation. He/She will meet with each parent individually and the children (if age appropriate) before attempting to work with the parties to fashion a solution.
A parenting coordinator is usually trained in family dynamics, mental health, children’s issues, adolescent issues, and communications. The coordinator’s job is to assist the parties come to an agreement. A parenting coordinator’s recommendations are not final or binding until both parties and the court accept the agreement. The costs for a parenting coordinator ranges based on the individual’s education and level of experience, but it is certainly less expensive than an endless barrage of motions and attorney’s fees.Juggling home, work, and children’s school and outside activities can be challenging even for the nuclear family, but trying to manage as a divorced family imposes even more difficulties – especially in terms of communications where relationships are strained.
Keeping a family calendar is an excellent way to keep organized. The same tool can be even more beneficial for families in transition.
On-line resources may provide assistance to keep everything straight.
There are numerous facilities in and around the Houston area for parents going through the divorce process. Most experts agree that it is not the divorce itself that affects children nearly as much as how the parents interact during and after the process.
The Harris County, Texas local rules require that parents take a 4 hour parenting class prior to final orders. The goal of such courses is to get parents to see the impact of divorce through the eyes of their child.
There are many resources in the Houston area, but two excellent centers are:
During the divorce process, parents often find themselves at odds over numerous issues. Unfortunately, many children find themselves in the middle of a war zone. This is precisely why standard injunctions included temporary orders specifically forbid the parents from making disparaging remarks about the other parent in the presence of the children, or within earshot of the children.
Courts and family law judges are sensitive to the best interest of the children, which does not include the exposure to derogatory statements about either parent, or other family members. Judges tend to be very protective of children during this process, and if the court finds evidence of deliberate efforts by either parent to alienate the children from the other parent, there can be serious consequences up to and including jail time. Court orders have teeth, and family judges have been known to bite when parents are behaving badly.
Examples of deliberate parental alienation include: preventing the children from spending time with the other parent; urging the children to disrespect the other parent; making comments in front of or near the children that would cause the children to lose respect for the other parent; name calling; instigating arguments in front of the children; and subtle behaviors such as throwing away an otherwise appropriate gift the parent gives a child.
Tensions run high during divorce, and these tensions can continue even after the divorce is final. If you have children, learning to co-parent with your Ex is crucial to the well-being of your children. Even if Mom and Dad no longer live together, they never take off their team jerseys as parents.
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